comatised.com

I was talking to my friend, Ron, today on my phone, and I told him that I had just four more sets of sheets left to make the bed with, and how I was going to have to wash sheets on Wednesday. I went into detail about how I was going to wash the attached set first, then the flat sheets, and finally the pillow cases. I said I estimated that I wouldn't have to wash sheets again until the end of the semester. I could just hear him blinking in disbelief on the other end of the line. When I asked if he was still there, he said, "You are amazingly organised! Who else schedules their sheet washing down to the last pillow slip?" I smiled. "I have just enough socks in my sock drawer to last through the final. Then I'll put some more out. I also know that I'll have to wash other things just once more until the final. I'm estimating that I'll only have five more loads of my own laundry to wash before the final," I replied. Again, I could just sense him blinking on the other end of the line.

Who knew I was so organised when it comes to laundry. There's more to it. I have the kids laundry on a strict schedule. I have my husband's laundry on a schedule. I can tell when we're about to run out of clean sheets or towels and I can schedule it around my classes and exams.

Maybe I'm just a big ole' geek at heart?

Today is my dad's 51st birthday. I thought it was his 50th. I am such a tard. And a terrible daughter.

First the good news:

James is out of the hospital, home, sleeping and pain free. That's reason enough to celebrate, right? :)

Speaking of the boys, I have a stupid question. On Halloween, their second birthday, I decided to stop breast feeding them and exclusively feed them solids and toddler food. It was getting weird having to stop and breast feed two big boys every few hours.

When I was in class this morning, I noticed that my entire shirt was wet. Ron, the cute guy who sat next to me during the exam Wednesday, pointed it out to me. He asked if it was raining out. The harness from my seat belt had squeezed a lot of milk out, and yes, I was wearing a bra. I wasn't wearing a coat. I don't have a comfortable winter coat.

So the stupid question(s) is/are: Why am I still making milk if no babies are nursing? Is it a bad idea to pump it and serve it in sippies? I'd like for the boys to be weened soon so I won't have to make my school and work schedule out around their feeding times. Besides, I know their dad needs to start lending a hand in their feeding or they will never bond with him.

Ideas? Thoughts? Criticisms? Chloe was kind of forced off the breast because when she was two, I was pregnant again. So that's no help.

I need to stop crying. I need to pull myself together and get with the program.

I need to get up out of the chair, and get re-organised.

Asher bit me this morning when I was feeding him. He's near-sighted and bites hands and fingers because people have hand-fed him for so long. I never thought I'd have to worry about my baby boy biting people, but I have to warn them when they get close to him or reach out to touch him. He's quick. He bit the blood out of my left thumb this morning. I have it bandaged up. Chloe refused to eat her cereal this morning. She dumped it on the floor and refused to eat anything else I offered. Finally I gave up.

My husband tells me not to cry. He asks me if it's ok for him to go into the studio tonight, or should he not go in, because he doesn't know if I'll be ok here alone. Sure. I'll be fine. My emotions are all over the place, but I'll be fine. I've gone through this before. It's a rough spot in the fabric of my life. There's no magic pill that I can take to make me feel better. But eventually I'll feel better.

If there's something that I shouldn't comment on, it's what happened this evening. But I just can't help myself.

If you're going to send links of Flickr pictures of my 'infidelity' to my husband, there's some things you should take into consideration:

1. We're Flickr friends. So the 'male on her contacts page' is him. It's not 'the man' I'm 'cheating' with.

2. My husband knows what's in his Flickr account. He took most of the pictures in the account, and what he didn't take himself, he scanned in.

3. I've blogged about this before, but it never gets old: I can intercept all the emails he gets because right now, they download to the same computer.

Yes, someone thought they'd play the old game of informing my husband about my wayward behaviour on the internet and emailed him links to his own Flickr account, pictures of myself and my friend Chris, pictures of me kissing Chris on the cheek at his birthday party last year, pictures of Chris kissing me on the cheek at my 26th birthday party, and then they emailed links of my husband and I kissing.

It's appalling that there are still people on the internet with too much time on their hands.

Any time in the next couple of days little James can be coming home. I'm super excited about it. Our family will be complete again. :)

James had his surgery and he pulled through ok. He's responsive now.

With all that has come into light, my husband and I have decided to do our Christmas shopping either online or through mail order. That kind of disappoints me because this time of year is all about the lights for me. I love going out to see the Christmas lights and the stores decorated for the season. A small pang came back when I got an email from American Girl reminding me to order the Girl of the Year doll for Pogo. I teared up as I deleted the email. Unless they can send dolls to Heaven, I won't be ordering it this year.

My husband thinks that by ordering through the mail, I will save some pain of having to walk around the stores. My pain isn't really that bad right now. I still take pain management pills at night so that I can heal. Constantly tossing and turning prevents your body from properly healing, so you might still be in pain the next day. I really do like walking around and looking at the decorations and all the joy that is out there this time of the year. I'm going to miss that. I'm going to miss just driving around at night and looking at all the lights. We're still going to the Winter Lights Festival this year, and we're still going to drive around on the Tour of Lights, so it will all be ok.

All I want this year is for my family to be safe and sound and for us to have many more Christmases together. For the emotional and physical pain to stop. For things to be a little brighter. I love this time of year, it's the time when miracles happen. It's time for a miracle to happen.

I was going through my old diaries and journals and remembered that today is my ex's birthday. I re-read an entry I made eleven years ago about how happy we were on this day because we were both 18 and able to have sex again. Yes, I was one of those kind of girls. But I was good. I refused to have sex with him while he was 17 and I was 18, for legal reasons.

Another thing I found was a pair of my old eye glasses from 1992-1995. They were silver granny glasses that I got to mimic John Lennon. I was surprised that I was able to find a pair just like John's in the little optometrist's office that I frequented during my childhood.

However, I was a very unattractive little girl.